The Short and Tragic Life of a Child of Domestic Violence
Domestic violence is not a single victim crime. The ramifications and collateral damage can inevitably plague an entire family, community, and those who bear witness. What is the caustic effect on the children? What are the ramifications of seeing your parent emotionally and physically abused, repeatedly? This is the story of one child in particular, Selena Ray, and how events and experiences of domestic violence resulted in psychological, physical, and emotional damage, which led her to addiction, and eventual death. As Selena’s sister, and the last remaining member of the immediate Ray family I aim to investigate Selena’s tragic past, and the intricate layers of her story.
Selena
Who was Selena?
Selena was tough, hardened by her many experiences both positive and negative . With a new color hair every month, and her makeup always pressed to perfection, she would don her push-up bra, crop top paired with a short flowy skater skirt no matter the occasion or weather. Her friends describe her as the person they would call in a fight. “She didn’t take shit from anybody”[Hazel Grant] her best friend of 6 years noted, having joined in and stood by Selena’s side through various FB comment disputes. Selena always spoke her mind, and she was going to let you know how she felt whether you wanted to hear it or not. Though her moods were unstable, each one was its own experience and contributed to what made her such an unique individual, words do not even do her justice.
Despite Selena’s tough exterior, she was wounded.
As a young child she was an extrovert. Selena was funny, gregarious, kind, compassionate, and very social. She loved to sing and dance and entertain her family and friends. Named after Selena the Mexican American singer she was fortunately blessed with a beautiful deep voice, able to extend her voice to tones compare able to any wine house. Karen Pepper, a lifelong friend of Selena’s grandmother, shares her memories of Selena’s youth. In the summers of Selena’s early years she would go to Pittsburgh to visit her grandparents for the three months. Karen would often take her and I for weekend sleepovers, where we would stay up making pizza rolls and watching movies all night. “She would get up in the bay window” Karen shares with a smile, “And have someone draw the curtain. We would all gather around and take our seats as The curtain would open and she would instantly break into a song and dance number . “She was so confident with her pretend microphone, her little dance moves, and such a powerful singing voice !” She ended up taking singing and dance lessons through most of her elementary and middle school years.
Though entertaining and lively , She was also very generous. When she was five, she was given money to go shopping. She came upon a homeless woman begging on the street. She immediately asked if she could give her money to the homeless person. When told it was hers to do as she pleased, she handed the money to the woman and just beamed. Her smile was beautiful. She truly was the bright light in the room. She was compassionate and defended those who were bullied in high school. She was witty and funny. One summer after watching Chronicles of Narnia the movie, she affected a British accent for the rest of the summer, admittingly quite good. Selena was unique. She followed no one else’s dictates, not in fashion or hair or ideas. She loved to experiment with hair color. She was a redhead, a blonde, a brunette, a brunette with blonde highlights, and yes even once had purple hair. She loved the color red, so reflective of her personality. She loved crop tops and skirts, textured hose, knee socks, and boots. Her favorite food was pasta and veal parmesan, and pizza. She loved Mexican and empanadas. Her favorite dessert was red velvet cake and brownies. Sweets were her passion. She loved to drive in the car with her radio turned loud, singing, and moving to the music. Selena loved cats. At one time she had eight kittens but her babies were a female named Lucy Liu, and a male named Ringo Starr. She was the proverbial good student.Teachers always praised her as respectful and a pleasure to have in class. She excelled academically and one year was named student of the year in elementary school. She received a perfect attendance award. She loved school. In high school she took all advanced and honors classes. In her senior year she dually enrolled in high school and California university of Pennsylvania.
She was admired by her peers and was a very social child in the elementary years. She was vocally gifted. She was intelligent. Selena in essence was a delightful person![personal notes]
Unfortunately due to the abuse and trauma in her life, she changed. The beautiful, bubbly, gregarious child became a sad and unhappy teenager. A tragic dichotomy occurred. Being subjected to domestic violence all of her childhood, Selena became deeply affected and marred by the things she witnessed throughout her formative years.
Before Birth (1998):
Sean and Rochelle met in 1993. Sean, an ex-Marine and Rochelle, a young graduate student at Duquesne University, fell into a passionate yet tumultuous relationship. On August 18th 1994, they conceived their first child , Marisa Ray (me). Sean would go on to have another child, one year later with a girlfriend. Nonetheless Rochelle and Sean entered back into a relationship and Rochelle was soon pregnant with her second child.
In January of 1998 at 7 months prenatal, her father, Sean, punched her mother Rochelle, in the abdomen resulting in hospitalization overnight for observation. So the first actual abuse to Selena occurred in utero, 2 punches.
Initial Abuse (2001):
When Selena was 3 she wouldn’t go with her father and sister to the store. Her dad left her alone in the house. She became frightened and went to the neighbor’s across the street. The neighbor brought Selena home when he returned, and questioned his leaving the child alone in the home. He became livid and proceeded to beat Selena. Selena refused to talk for the night and lay on the floor sobbing. Sean was very critical of Selena and repeatedly told her she was lazy and dumb. He yelled and swore at her. He never showed kindness or love towards her as a child. Selena as a preschooler witnessed physical and verbal abuse directed continuously to her mother in the form of punches and hitting, cursing and criticizing.
Early Childhood (Age:5) (2003):
When Selena was 5, the family moved in 2003, to Florida after a serious domestic dispute between Sean and Rochelle. Rochelle was either thrown or jumped from a three story building, and was life flighted to the hospital. She suffered from two broken legs, and a cracked pelvis, and back pain for the rest of her life. She required one month of inpatient rehabilitation. Charges were not pressed. After extensive news coverage and word spread of her refusal to press charges her family and friends were not supportive of her decision. Rochelle and her two daughters relocated to Florida where her younger sister resided, to start life anew. Sean convinced her to let him bring the furniture and belongings to Florida and within 6 months Sean was back in their lives and residing in their home once again. Again she was subject to verbal criticism, and hitting.
Pre-Teen Years (Age:12–13)(2010):
In Middle School the ramifications of the abuse became noticeable. Selena was at an age where she was more cognizant of the abusive behavior of her father and incapable of doing anything to prevent the abuse. He repeatedly yelled swore and criticized her. He called her fat and lazy. She continued to be subject to his perpetual abuse against her mother. At age 13–14 she starting experimenting and acting out. She initially tried weed, and alcohol. Then she escalated to more serious drugs like MDMA, cocaine, tobacco, and DMT. This is when Selena started cutting herself severely. She carved the words “at” on her thigh. She attempted to run away from home on a bicycle and was returned to home by a policeman who found her on an interstate highway. The emotional ramifications of the abuse took a toll on her. She was admitted to a psychiatric hospital, and started therapy for depression. At her 13th birthday party with her friends she imbied so much alcohol that she had to be admitted to the hospital for severe alcohol poisoning. That resulted in admission to a mental health facility for a couple days. She revealed to a nurse that her father hit her and was abusive. She drank the alcohol because she wanted to end her life. This led to a follow-up investigation. She, her mother, and sister moved from their home in Tampa to a family owned townhouse in Pinellas county. Selena always said “I had to save my mom from my dad.” Although that was her motive, she in essence was saving herself from his physical and emotional abuse. She continued to attend middle school in Hillsborough county, until the end of the school year when she was caught with cocaine. She was expelled and sent to La Amistad, a tough love juvenile facility in June of 2012. She had residential placement in this boot camp for two months.
Teen Years(Age 13–16) (2010–2014):
Now she was residing in Pinellas County and Hanging out with 16–25 year olds. She started doing crystal meth, K2, tobacco, and MDMA. She was caught smoking weed on the beach and was arrested. Mom took her to Morton Plant Hospital behavioral unit. She was admitted for ten days. In the Spring of 2014 Selena was drunk and high on crystal meth. She physically attacked her sister, boyfriend, mom and her good friend Hazel. She was again admitted to Morton Plant Hospital for 4 days.
Death of Parents (2014):
On December 18, 2014 she comes home from school and finds parents dead in a murder suicide. Sean and Rochelle.
This had a profound effect on Selena. She suffered from post traumatic stress disorder for the rest of her life and was severely plagued with flashbacks.
Young Adult (Age:16–18) (2014–2016):
In the Fall of 2015 cutting resumes. She broke a mirror and cut herself, she was admitted to St. Joes’ adolescent behavioral unit for a week. In another incident she was high and 911 was called and she had to be transported by ambulance. She was admitted overnight but they didn’t put her into a unit, instead she was monitored and allowed to sober up. She graduated in the Spring of 2016. While in high school she took advanced and honors classes. Selena was advanced academically and only required one online math class in the Spring of 2016. She relocated to Pennsylvania living with her grandparents for the Spring term. While completing the math class she was admitted and dually enrolled at California University of Pennsylvania. She returned to Florida for her graduation ceremony then relocated permanently to Pennsylvania.
She took the car and went to Pittsburgh and stopped at a rest stop on interstate 79. She overdosed on xanax and heroin. A bystander notified the police that administered narcan. He called for an ambulance that transported her to Canonsburg Hospital. She was not admitted just monitored for the day. Everything was uneventful until August, when she overdosed on the front porch of her grandparents home on heroin.
She had to be administered narcan and the ambulance transported her to Mon Valley ER. They suggested rehab but since she was now 18 she could not be involuntarily made to go. A few months later she overdosed in Pittsburgh at Point State Park. A policeman found her slumped over the wheel.The policeman administered narcan, the car was towed, and the ambulance took her to Allegheny General Hospital. Selena, after a lot of coaxing and pleading finally agreed to go to rehab. She went to Caron the end of August,and she was there for 30 days. Caron is a premier rehabilitation facility located in Wernersville , Pennsylvania. Prior to rehab she had been doing meth, xanax, heroin, and oxys. Upon discharge, her attitude was good and she seemed committed to remaining somber. The day after discharge on the 30th of September she ask to have the car to attend an NA meeting but instead went to Walmart. She purchased duster and inhaled, rolled the car, and totalled it. An ambulance took her to the ER. They kept her overnight.She was very fortunate to have only sustained a bruised chin and a bruised right knee. In October she had another incident at her grandmother’s house. She overdosed in the driveway . Narcan was administered and an ambulance came. Once more a week later she was drunk and high, grandparents transported her to Mon Valley Hospital. They kept her there for a week, in intensive care due to elevated liver functions. In January of 2017 she agreed to go to White Deer Run Rehabilitation Facility. She stayed there for 29 days. Then went directly to Wynoka House, a three quarters house, for six weeks, 60 days sober, no drinking or smoking, nothing. She was so proud of this achievement.
Medications: She was prescribed the following drugs in combination.
Bupropion 300mg. 1x per day for depression,
Clonidine HCL.1mg1x for PTSD
Depakote 250 mg.2x a day for mood management
Hydroxyzine Pamoate 50mg. 3x a day as needed for anxiety
Naltrexone Hcl 50 mg 1x a day
Sertraline Hcl 100 mg 1x per day doe depression/anxiety
Selena’s official diagnosis was the following:
When one pill didn’t work the next psychiatrist would just add another to the cocktail. Mix.
I have reached out to Selena’s psychiatrist for 5 years, Dr. Daniel Fallon, head of the adolescent psychiatric department at University of South Florida, but he did not respond, .I also contacted through calls and emails Sandes Boulanger, her PARC counselor in Pinellas County. She did not return by calls either.
Death (Age 19) (March 2016):
What contributes to a beautiful young woman mutilating herself by cutting, to trying all kinds of deadly substances, and engaging in risky behavior?Trying to run away on an interstate highway on a bicycle. Attempting suicide by drinking yourself to death. Perhaps living with verbal abusive behavior by your father upon your mother, then eventually you. By experiencing repeated threats. When he says,”if I go I’m taking everyone with me”. Holes punched in walls, breaking of valuables, alcoholic rants. The birthday incident when your father punches your mom in the head because she wants to go miniature golfing, and then he throws her cake on the floor. Watching him smack, push, and punch and finally turn his rage on you. Climbing out of windows in the middle of the night and seeking shelter at a motel. Living with your grandparents. Moving from place to place. Your parents separated because of cheating, discovering you have a half brother.Then finally moving to another state away from family and a support system. Experiencing perpetual instability as your norm.
So what is a young girl suppose to do to combat this horrific behavior? She is experiencing PTSD. She tries to self medicate, to find happiness, solace and reprieve for a few moments . She does what so many other children of domestic violence do. Selena turns to drugs. She engages in a behavior of self medication. Every therapist that worked with Selena repeated the same mantra. “She is attempting to self medicate”. Unfortunately Selena had an addict’s brain. For some they can experiment with drugs or alcohol. Then they are able to stop. This was not true for Selena. She had an addict’s brain. Once exposed to drugs her chemical make-up in the brain craved the high. The high took over her brain.
Children Who Witness Domestic Violence
Household dysfunction has detrimental consequences on children unwillingly subjected and too young to understand and cope with these heinous acts. What may begin as an isolated personal offense against the victim, inevitably plagues an entire family, community, and those who bear witness.
Children are often subjected to experiencing traumatic acts of violence in their early developmental years, and a recent study by UNICEF predicts that currently over 275 million children are being exposed to violence [UNICEF study] in their home; Selena Ray was one of these children.
Statistics:
Children exposed to domestic violence are more than 4.5 times more likely to engage in drug usage, According to Carol a counselor at Washington County domestic Violence Center “ Abused children are more likely to be drug dependent, live in poverty, and have a lack of education. According to ACEs -[Adverse Childhood Experience Study],” The basic cause of addiction is experience dependent, not substance dependent. Childhood maltreatment is linked to a variety of changes in responses in the brain structure and function and stress response on the neurobiological systems. Physical and emotional abuse leaves an enduring adverse effect on the child.”
What is to be learned from Selena’s Story?
An innocent child is repeatedly subject to emotional, and physical abuse from the very person that she trusts to protect her. How can she thrive when she lives in an environment of perpetual fear and anguish. She sees the person that she depends on and loves the most tortured and diminished every day. She is powerless to prevent or stop the abuse. She tells someone in authority “I had to save my mom from my dad”. She removes her mom and herself from his abusive proximity but the damage was done. He followed through with his threat. The post traumatic stress disorder became her life. She turned to drugs to alleviate the pain. Domestic violence is a family disorder, Everyone suffers. Everyone is affected. Children seek solace and relief from these horrible memories. Drugs become a real solution for them.
For more information or support:
